Dr. Doner’s Blog

“The hurrider I go, the behinder I get.” 

Recently I decided that the pace of my life had become much too fast. If the cause of the frantic urgency of my days was the outside world, then I reasoned that withdrawing from it would help immensely.

 

So, trying to regain some inner peace, I took myself to a four day silent meditation retreat. It was held at a beautiful center in North Florida, Chinsegut Hill, where the centuries-old oaks stretch out their moss-draped arms and the azaleas and camellias bloom pink and red.

 

The problem of striving for tranquility by not hearing anyone else’s conversation is that the chatter inside your own mind gets even louder! It’s downright embarrassing to hear your thoughts. And the emotions that pop into awareness are extremely childish, even selfish.

 

One night I was walking towards MY coveted hidden spot—a tree house high in an ancient oak. The gentle moon showed the way and I was also back-lit by an antique lantern. But  meditative calm was shattered by inner urgency when I noticed a shadow of a figure approaching the tree too, in front of me and closer.

 

“Oh no! It’s MY special place!  Must get there first!” screamed my primal competitive brain. Automatically my stride accelerated. But faster still the figure glided. And quicker and quicker—we both raced to the goal. But it got there first and merged into blackness, climbing the steps, I presumed.

 

So I rested and waited for it to descend and give me MY turn. But it didn’t, so I waited, but still it didn’t. So I got curious and respectfully tip-toed up the rickety stairs, peering around the corner, and discovered — no one.

 

The shadow I was racing against had been my own!

 

The problem of my life’s urgency, I discovered, did not have its origin in the outside world. It had been inside of me all along.

   

I don’t know about you, but 2007 contained a lot of fear for me.  

As the stocks dipped, so did the safety net of savings. As people had less disposable income, less was spent on non-essentials. People resorted to well-known comfort measures—food and cigarettes, not powerful change techniques such as Hypnotherapy.

 

My income suffered as has the income of millions of Americans. Construction is down, so I meet licensed electricians bagging groceries in Wal-Mart.  Restaurants are hungry for customers. And we don’t even have to mention the roadside signs of struggle–foreclosure signs, “Will mow your lawn”, or “Fill dirt cheap.”

 

We are tightening our belts and we are worried.

 What to do with fear?

We all have our strategies. Turning to action— such as better marketing and skill-building. Feeling safer—such as not-spending, hoarding, trying to control what we can control.

Positive thinking, prayer, imagining success, denial, complaining, bonding with others…

Whatever our time-tested coping techniques have been, we use.

 My question is always this:How can I use this adversity to make me a better person? 

Just asking the question every morning brings answers everyday.

 

For example, that we are all in this mess together and I shouldn’t take it personally (sort of like the hurricanes). And, although this uncertainty is nothing compared with terror in Sudan, I can relate to their suffering with more compassion. And it’s easy to imagine just how little bad luck it would take to actually end up as a homeless family here in the US, living out of a car. If nothing else, this loss of financial security blows away any illusion of security.

 The results of this adversity can be compassion and wisdom. 

Although trying really hard to accept the current situation and work with it, I found myself still wallowing in fear while getting ready for taxes.

“What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you meet your financial goals last year?” I harshly judged.

So, I asked the question again:

“How can I use this undesirable situation to make me a better person?” 

Have you ever just picked up a book and found the answer?

There it was. The perfect paragraph that would get me up above the whining to a clearer view. And this new perception was in alignment with a value much higher than “Total Income” on the 1040 IRS form.

From the Tears of the Giraffe, the story of the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, set in Botswana, Africa:

“She had not made a lot of money, but she had not made a loss, and she had been happy and entertained. That counted for infinitely more than a vigorously healthy balance sheet. In fact, she thought, annual accounts should include an item specifically headed Happiness, alongside expenses and receipts and the like. That figure in her accounts would be a very large one, she thought.” 

The riches that count…maybe even the riches that are free… the riches that can’t be taken from us by circumstances…

Happiness. And it’s moment by moment job.

Kathy Doner, MD 2-11-08