Dr. Doner’s Blog

The Gift of Failure

This last year I’ve been given the “gift of failure.”

 

The economy has tanked. I can’t retire at 62 as planned. And what was I going to do with all my energy and knowledge and skills anyway? Just keep busy? I’d been a bit concerned about a sense of purpose during retirement. Now I’ll have to work until 70, doing work I love. What a gift!

 

My hopes of speaking tours (and who knows—a book, TV spot?) have been dashed. No one wanted to attend my very well publicized workshops in Sedona. All that effort wasted! So now I get to enjoy my home and can stop hard-selling my persona to the over-sold public. It was all ego anyway, not my true self. I now have the time to dig my pond deeper for swimming, plant trees and take children camping. What a gift!

 

Finances are totally uncertain. Security has vanished with the plunging stock market. Business has slowed like small business everywhere. But there is a steady trickle still coming in. I know it’s unpredictable, so I welcome every referral and I kiss every check. “Thank you, thank you,” for every opportunity to help a client. “Thank you, thank you,” with every bank deposit. No five year plans for me. Just a spontaneous practice of daily gratitude. What a gift!

 

No more mindless spending either. Gone are the frequent restaurants, art purchases and gifts. The occasional European vacation is a thing of the past. Every meal out is celebrated, every purchase is treasured and every trip is thoroughly relished as special. What a gift!

 

My right knee failed me when I tore the meniscus in Sedona. It was just repaired and has a doubtful future. No more back-packing or jogging, I was advised. No more heedless jaunts around the neighborhood, unconscious of my body’s movement. I focus on the steps, an enforced mindful walking. I wish for my health and others’ health with every twinge. What a gift!

 

I’ve been receiving failure after failure. I’ve been humbled. I had become a victim of my own success, which only bred more self-preoccupation. Now humility is breeding awareness and gratitude. I’m connected with everyone else who’s having a hard time and concerned for their small businesses and for their knees.

 

And so I wish for all of us continued “success” at finding the gifts in failure. May all of our sufferings soften us. May all of our hearts open and connect us. May all of our failures turn to blessings.

 

Kathy Doner, MD     3-2-09-09

 

 

I don’t know about you, but 2007 contained a lot of fear for me.  

As the stocks dipped, so did the safety net of savings. As people had less disposable income, less was spent on non-essentials. People resorted to well-known comfort measures—food and cigarettes, not powerful change techniques such as Hypnotherapy.

 

My income suffered as has the income of millions of Americans. Construction is down, so I meet licensed electricians bagging groceries in Wal-Mart.  Restaurants are hungry for customers. And we don’t even have to mention the roadside signs of struggle–foreclosure signs, “Will mow your lawn”, or “Fill dirt cheap.”

 

We are tightening our belts and we are worried.

 What to do with fear?

We all have our strategies. Turning to action— such as better marketing and skill-building. Feeling safer—such as not-spending, hoarding, trying to control what we can control.

Positive thinking, prayer, imagining success, denial, complaining, bonding with others…

Whatever our time-tested coping techniques have been, we use.

 My question is always this:How can I use this adversity to make me a better person? 

Just asking the question every morning brings answers everyday.

 

For example, that we are all in this mess together and I shouldn’t take it personally (sort of like the hurricanes). And, although this uncertainty is nothing compared with terror in Sudan, I can relate to their suffering with more compassion. And it’s easy to imagine just how little bad luck it would take to actually end up as a homeless family here in the US, living out of a car. If nothing else, this loss of financial security blows away any illusion of security.

 The results of this adversity can be compassion and wisdom. 

Although trying really hard to accept the current situation and work with it, I found myself still wallowing in fear while getting ready for taxes.

“What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you meet your financial goals last year?” I harshly judged.

So, I asked the question again:

“How can I use this undesirable situation to make me a better person?” 

Have you ever just picked up a book and found the answer?

There it was. The perfect paragraph that would get me up above the whining to a clearer view. And this new perception was in alignment with a value much higher than “Total Income” on the 1040 IRS form.

From the Tears of the Giraffe, the story of the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, set in Botswana, Africa:

“She had not made a lot of money, but she had not made a loss, and she had been happy and entertained. That counted for infinitely more than a vigorously healthy balance sheet. In fact, she thought, annual accounts should include an item specifically headed Happiness, alongside expenses and receipts and the like. That figure in her accounts would be a very large one, she thought.” 

The riches that count…maybe even the riches that are free… the riches that can’t be taken from us by circumstances…

Happiness. And it’s moment by moment job.

Kathy Doner, MD 2-11-08