Dr. Doner’s Blog

July 1, 2010

 

“Death is a vast mystery, but there are two things we can say about it: It is absolutely certain that we will die and it is uncertain when or how we will die. The only surety we have, then, is this uncertainty about the hour of our death, which we seize on as the excuse to postpone facing death directly. We are like children who cover their eyes in a game of hide and seek and think that no one can see them.”

Glimpse after Glimpse , Sogyal Rinpoche

 

Our little “Last Year” group has pledged to live this year as if it were our last. (See previous writing – A Year to Live and Stephen Levine’s book). When we met for the second time we were curious to see if this vow had had any real effect in each others’ lives. The vote was a unanimous “Yes!”

 

For most of us the quality of life had changed – more precious, more joyful and the little annoyances less important. Our Vision Boards were becoming true. One friend quite surprised herself as she resigned from her engineering job after just one day of employment! She had retired and was quite comfortable but wanted more money to travel and update her furniture. Back on the job she realized how much she hated the tediousness of it. “If this is my last year, this is not the way I want to spend my time!” she declared and thoroughly impressed us.

 

What was the focus to be for this next segment of time? “Renouncing and Releasing,” we decided.

 

Why? Perhaps we were just tired of the same old patterns of behavior, harmful habits, unhelpful beliefs and unhappy feelings. We could understand why they were there and that of course we weren’t any worse than most people. But we knew for sure that they were a colossal waste of our limited time! In view of death, life now contained a new urgency.

 

So, in a guided imagery session we placed all we wanted to be rid of into a virtual fire and watched it burn into nothingness. We then saved all the wisdom, compassion and self-forgiveness we had learned from the old patterns as a nugget of gold. What we released had served its purpose and taught us valuable lessons. But it was time to be lighter and freer.

 

What was mine? So many things, of course. And it seems that I’ve released these same tendencies over and over for years, like New Year’s Resolutions. Maybe “releasing” is a continuous, even a daily practice, like mental hygiene. Or maybe once I’ve truly seen the suffering caused by these patterns I can truly “renounce” them and let go in a deeper way. After all, the smokers I work with do it and become free of their addictions!

 

After many weeks of contemplation I finally understand the most fundamental pattern I want to renounce. It is anger.

 

It doesn’t matter why anger is my default mechanism whenever people, places or things aren’t how I want them to be. Others may habitually react with hopelessness or depression or apathy. I am moved by instant anger to take action! In the past it served a purpose. It taught me that something wasn’t quite right, that someone was in danger or that I was being disrespected. After all, anger is a primal feeling that can insure survival! And anger can actually feel good and become addictive.

 

Below my anger, with its self-righteous energetic quality, is fear. But I’m not actually in danger. I also now have a more mature understanding of the ridiculous behavior of others (and myself) and of foolish or greedy social and political systems. So, once I’ve gained the wisdom from the initial reaction there really is no sense in continued anger! Obviously, renouncing anger is not repression or self-judgment. But it comes from a deep knowing that I don’t need it any more, that it hurts relationships and that it hurts me.

 

This decision took on a new urgency when the newspaper headlines blared that a physician in town had been arrested for the attempted murder of his wife As I write this he is still sitting in jail, with a million dollar bond and is claiming his innocence. Her head was beaten bloody against the tile floor. Thousands have enjoyed this doctor’s care and I was always happy to refer to him. But the mug-shot looks like a man whose life has been destroyed. I don’t know who did it or why. But someone acted violently out of rage or aggression and in one moment caused destruction. The consequences of anger are dire.

 

So, aware of the suffering caused by anger, aware that others too are victims of their own anger and aware that life is short, I’ve chosen to renounce anger. It still arises, of course. I don’t pretend it isn’t there. But from the clear seeing of anger’s consequences and the daily aspiration to be more understanding, I’m more able to catch it earlier. I am less likely act on it. I can get the learning from it and work through it. I’m responsible and every morning I can choose to release anger and to practice patience.

 

How does this feel? Clearer, stronger and freer. A good way to live.

 

 

 

“Renunciation has both sadness and joy in it: sadness because you realize the futility of your old ways, and joy because of the greater vision that begins to unfold when you are able to let go of them. This is no ordinary joy. It is a joy that gives birth to a new and profound strength, a confidence, an abiding inspiration that you are not condemned to your habits, that you can indeed emerge from them, that you can change, and grow more and more free”

Glimpse after Glimpse, Sogyal Rinpoche

Tags: anger, death, year to live

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