Dr. Doner’s Blog

I know what’s best!

That was my old belief bred from years of medical practice. Of course! People paid for me to tell them what to do! And I was usually right.

 

Trouble is, unless someone is asking (especially paying) for my opinion, they really don’t want it. I keep trying, though. I try it on my adult children, their spouses and my grandchildren. And after 14 years I still inflict it on my poor boyfriend. (Am I a slow learner, or what?) And consistently they either turn a deaf ear or feel annoyed. It is insulting, I suppose, to have one’s “faults” pointed out by someone hell-bent on improving them.

 

Part of my current life-phase, e.g. birthday and new decade, is to be of “service.” The timing is convenient with the down economy. Less income and more free time.

 

So, wanting to be of service to children, I gathered my slightly arrogant bravado, masked as do-good-ism, and called a local community group. They provide after-school care for children from an economically depressed area beset with drugs and violence. I thought I could teach them meditation, anger management, self-esteem and visioning for their life. And I could – I’ve done it for those who paid to see me. After three phone calls I finally reached the volunteer psychologist in charge and was politely told that they didn’t need me.

 

Slap in the face! I offered it for free! It could really help! But they turned me down. They rejected my commitment to service and especially my belief that “I know what’s best.” I had assumed that I would be the wise teacher and they the adoring and grateful students. Not! (The fact that it stung meant that perhaps just a little bit of my ego was involved.)

 

It was while feeling the sting that I realized that “offering yourself” can be tantamount to telling someone that you know what they need.

 

True and humble offering starts with the asking, “What do you really need?”

 

How to know what someone needs? I learned about “getting on the same wavelength” with someone by watching my 4 year old grandson the other day at the beach. At that age he does not approach a child and introduce himself. He sidles up to a friendly 5 year old girl and wordlessly begins imitating her. She slaps the waves, he slaps the waves. Pretty soon she is holding his hand and they have a grand ole time. Later, when he is very interested in a 3 year old boy’s monster trucks, he shares his truck and they play side by side. He then rolls down a sand dune, covering himself in sand, over and over, delighting in gravity. Soon the 3 year old joins in. No conversation – just noticing, learning from each other, mimicking… We adults call it “rapport.”

 

Before we left the beach that afternoon I felt in rapport enough to ask the father why the little boy didn’t play in the water. “He’s scared,” I was told. So, sensing an opportunity, I cautiously gave him my hand and with generous praise showed him how to jump into a 3 inch wave. He applauded and beamed!

 

Knowing that I couldn’t possibly know what was best for him, I was willing to wonder what he needed. I adopted an attitude of respectful experimentation. He then learned to take a baby-step towards bravery by holding a stranger’s hand. That’s apparently what he needed and that’s what I gave him.

 

That was service.

 

April 3, 2009